How to Determine if Your Doctor

(Dis)Respects You

This Spinal Trap page was inspired by my first (and LAST!) appointment with a new female pain managment doctor who couldn't get her face out of her devices long enough to pay attention to me and my patient care needs. 

She was distracted, dismissive, unprofessional and even insulting during the apppointment.  Given that I have a strong clinical work background and know how to speak up for myself at a doctor's office, I realized that this unacceptable experience occurred so that I would write this page to help the tens of millions of people who do not know how to handle bad doctors and/or realize what they should look for in knowng when it is time to find a new one. 

If this page helps you, please email me and share your story for consideration of posting on Spinal Trap.  If you just wish to share your story wtih me and not have it posted, please say so and I will respect your wishes.  (Email link at bottom left of every site page.)

As in any field, there are always going to be professionals who treat others with respect and those who don't.  Unfortunately, there are some docs whose egos exceed all else; they are under the wrongful and delusional impression that they deserve respect simply because they have M.D. after their name. 

As a result, they don't give respect to their patients, and often, to anyone they believe to be "inferior" to them. 

Kind of like wealthy people who think (wrongly) that their money gives them class.  Uhhhh no, it doesn't.  Class is purely behavioral based; and like good health, it can be learned, but not bought.  The poorest of the poor can possess class, and the richest of the rich, not.

A doctor's respect or lack thereof, is evident in both direct and indirect ways.  For instance, if a dr. constantly runs 2 hours (or more!) behind schedule, he/she could care less about you and your time.

Emergencies do happen, so notice that I said "constantly".  If your doc runs behind as the exception, not the rule, give them the benefit of the doubt that it couldn't be helped.  

Another exception to the rule would be a new doc whose practice is still building and he/she can't yet afford the payroll of support staff, so they do everything from start to finish; please give them the benefit of the doubt as well.   

And since I tout fairness and mutual respect by all, for all, they need to remember that they have the onus of being respectful of their patients time by allowing themselves the proper time necessary to execute every aspect of the appointment from check-in and exam to payment and check-out.

If your doc does run behind constantly, there is also the chance that he or she simply does give everyone as much time

as they want; and once a doc falls behind, unless people cancel or reschedule,

they never get caught up. 

Remember people, there are very few absolutes in this crazy world, death and taxes are the only two!

How they treat you during your appointment is going to be your best barometer for knowing if they respect you/patients in general. 

Watch their facial expressions.  Is it neutral?  Bored?  Kind? 

Are they sighing?  Moving towards the door?  Whichever direction their feet face is where they want to be.  Is it towards you or the door?

Listen to their tone of voice.  Is it professional?  Kind?  Firm?  Or derisive and condescending?  You don't have to be an expert in body language to clue into someone's feelings about you. 

Hint for avoiding long waits: Always ask for one of the first three appointment in the morning or the afternoon; that way, barring an emergency patient, they haven't had a chance to fall behind yet. 

Plus, in my clinical work experience, docs won't come out on the floor to see patients, until they have at least 2-3 waiting for them.  (Another unspoken reflection that a dr. sees his/her time as more valuable than patients.)

A good way to determine your doc's level of respect or lack thereof is to be observant in how much time they actually spend in the room with you and other patients. 

You can hear them open doors as they enter and say hello as well as exit.  If they're consistently in and out like the wind as the rule with you and others, at more than once visit, believe me, they are all about quantity seen, not quality of care delivered. 

Notice I said "as the rule" because they do have days where the patient load is light due to a lack of serious issues.  Thus, a brief appointment can be a very good thing IF a patient isn't having any concerning health challenges. 

Also, if you listen to how the staff speaks to each other, you and other patients, you'd be surprised what kind of things you can discern.  Are they respectful?

Listen to what they don't say too; body language can scream volumes.  If staff is running around stressed out, snapping at each other and/or at patients, rolling their eyes after the doc turns away, unsmiling, unkind, unprofessional, etc...they are not working in place that treats them well, and that too can indicate a demanding egomaniacal doc who shows them no respect either.

(I've also had staff to whom I've shown concern for how they are feeling, break down and cry and spill the beans about what that doc is like to work for.  Cheap, demanding, and disrespectful are the top 3 most common complaints.) 

Despite how bad a doc may be to work for, it should not translate into being nasty with patients.  If it does, find a new practice because as a chronic pain person, you deal with enough drama, you don't need it from your doctors and/or their staff. 

If he/she isn't going to show respect to their support staff that they spend 40 hours a week with and that they need to perform well to keep them from liability and litigation, you can bet your last penny they sure as heck aren't going to expend any effort, respecting patients.  

The single most irksome issue that I've seen at multiple medical practices, regardless of specialty, is patients who show up after you and get seen before you.  Patients get understandably upset and many will confront the front desk or the first employee they see to ask why this is the case. 

Here are the 5 reasons why this is the case:

1.  In some cases, the person who arrived after you but went back before you, is an emergency.  Due to patient privacy issues, it can be stated that they are, but not discussed or explained why. 

2.  In some cases, that person is not seeing the same provider that you are; and thus, it's an apples and oranges situation as providers move at different paces and their patients may be simple follow-ups with no issues so their appointment is brief.

In addition to new and established patient categories, medical office visits are also booked by appointment types known in the insurance billing world, as "brief" or "limited", "intermediate" and "comprehensive". 

Thus, many times that a dr. that breezes in and out, it isn't at all disrespecting you, they are simply going by what your appt type is.  Again, people in for simple follow-ups without complications, are going to have a very brief appointment. That's actually a good thing!  And NOTHING to complain about!  

If you know that you have a complex issue to discuss, say so when you book the appt so that you can be given the proper appt type and time.  Or if things get complicated after you've made the appointment, call your doctor's office to see if you can get in sooner and have them change your appointment type.  

3.  In some cases, the medical staff made a poor judgment call in that the patient was late, and instead of making them wait to be worked into the schedule, they just let them go back upon arrival. 

4.  In some cases, mistakes are made and patient order is messed up by a front desk person and/or medical assistant and people are indeed, called back in the wrong order.  In a sharp, professional, well run practice, this should be a very rare occurence.  

5.  And worst of all, classless, disrespectful doctors who believe in social status, caste systems, think certain people/patients are more important because they are "somebody", (i.e. a rich/famous person, and/or a well known politician), etc...will indeed allow "somebodies" to jump over everyone else, regardless of their appointment times. 

We are all somebody;

and it is an abhorent practice. 

As soon as a patient realizes

that this is the mentality of their provider,

they should find another practice.

If you believe you have been skipped over, respectfully approach a medical staff employee and say: 

"I'm Joe/June Smith, I've been here for 30 minutes to see Dr. Jones and that person just came in and went right back.  Was I skipped?  If so, I would appreciate you fixing it immediately."

Unfortunately, everyone has an ego, thus, it is very common for us humans to get defensive when we make mistakes if and when someone embarrasses us about it.  Thus, if you want to be sure to have the staff work with you, be sure to handle even your upsets, with the appropriate level of respect such as stated in this example. 

State your inquiry or complaint in a non-confrontational, factual, and unemotional manner as well as your fair expectation to have them fix the situation.

What they need to do is acknowledge that they will check into it and get back to you in about 60 seconds with an apology if you're right; also, they should remove the patient they just called back, apologizing to them as well, and putting you in proper queue. 

If you're not right, and they are wise, they should acknowledge your right to be frustrated, offer the reason of why you are still waiting, and tell you, accurately, when you can expect to go back.

Bottom line?  After you make all of these observations, do the math and you will have the answer about whether or not a doctor (dis)respects you, patients in general and their staff. 

I once stupidly waited for an orthopaedic surgeon for about 2 hours past my appointment time in his Texas office; it was so cold, you could hang meat! 

My spinal damage pain is set off by shivering so I really resented the wait as a pain person who didn't need my doctor's office, contributing to it.  (Since it was summertime, I had no reason to carry a coat or even a sweater with me.) 

Being me, I left my room and asked where he was and what was going on.  You can always find someone who will tell you the truth and I found out that he'd taken a last minute trip to New York City that weekend. 

He KNEW that he wouldn't be able to see his Monday morning patients on time and yet, didn't have any of us rescheduled because he saw his time as more valuable than ours. 

Given that he didn't even make use of the fact that the East Coast is 1 hour ahead of the CST zone of Texas, that could've been used to his staff's advantage to call us and push our appointments back, shows total and complete D-I-S-R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Like I said, listen to the staff, you'd be surprised at what you'll learn. When he finally showed up, I said with displeasure that his office was so cold, he could hang meat; then I referenced NYC. 

His facial expression said "BUSTED!" and though it didn't make up for the disrespect of the preventable wait, I certainly felt better for getting it off of my chest in a non-argumentive way. 

After all, there was nothing about it that could be changed, so why argue?  However, letting him know, that I knew he was that disrespectful and uncaring of all of us, may have been enough to stop him from being so, in the future.  Sometimes we can't make things better for ourselves, but if we speak up, we can for others.

When you're in pain and desperate for help, you will tolerate things that you shouldn't because you don't have the energy to fight for what is right.  So don't fight, simply don't return to disrespectful doctors; when they lose enough patients, maybe, hopefully, they will bring themselves off of their DIY pedestals!



Traits of Respectful Docs:

Respectful doctor's will listen to you, your questions, concerns, and address them accordingly.

Respectful docs will make strong eye contact with you both when you speak and when they speak. 

(See box on bottom left for exception to this rule)

They may need to break it at times to look at your chart, but the majority of your conversation

should take place with direct eye contact. 

Respectful docs will speak to you with respect. 

Respectful doctors will admit when

they do not know something.

Respectul doctors will consider your input and

if something is not feasible, tell you why.

If a doc speaks derisively and condescendingly to you, they do not respect you.

However, if you ask the same things over and over again, and/or argue with them in a manner that is illogical, then you should expect them to not continue to waste their time, and pass you on to their assistant, nurse, PA, whomever, to finish helping you. 

That is not necessarily a sign of disrespect, simply, a necessary business move to keep the schedule going so that they can take timely care of all patients.  Be honest about yourself when assessing this so that you can be fair to them and the truth.  If you are the issue, don't hold it against them.

Remember, as long as someone qualified answers yours questions; that is what matters.

Your Patient Responsibilities:

You have the responsibilty of making sure that you communicate as clearly as you can,

your questions and/or confusion. 

If you are on mind and mood altering Rx's,

please see my "10 Ways to be a Great Patient" page

for tips on how to prepare for appointments.

Remember, a successful patient/doctor office exchange is as much the responsibility of the patient,

as it is the medical office. 

Respect is a two way street

and though it is to be earned,

in situations like this,

every0ne needs to just start out giving it;

and then, let the behavior of the other party determine, if they get to keep your respect. 

If you're not sure if you should change docs, email me the situation for a fair and experienced opinion. 

In addition to being a chronic pain patient for over 10 years, I also possess superior clinical training skills and have supervised a 3 provider specialty surgical practice.

Thus, I present the detailed expert data that I do, from both sides of the coin, to breed better understanding, communications, and mutual respect to facilitate stronger and more successful doctor/patient relationships because you don't have to like or love your doctor, or they you, but mutual respect is non-negotiable. 

Mutual respect is the foundation of every successful relationship, professional and personal.

As a Certified Holistic Life Coach, please,

improve your quality of life in mind, body and spirit

by ensuring that all of your relationships,

have mutual respect. 

Good luck!  Grace Kelly, CHLC, CPLC